Heartbreak warfare....

Is it true when people say that you don't really move on from one person until you've found another? Sometimes it's easier to pretend that everything's alright instead of facing the reality of it. I have been out of my relationship since last August and I'm still not quite sure if I'm over it. I don't if this is the smartest choice publicly writing about this extremely personal subject, but since I decided to start blogging I guess this is the place to be honest. 

I would say that first loves, first everythings are the hardest to move on from. Studying abroad was the best distraction for the break-up, but coming back here and running into him randomly made everything so much more complicated. It made me realize how much I missed him and how happy we were at one point. Then I thought about how much we fought towards the end of our relationship and how unhappy we both were in it. It simply wasn't meant to be. Our personalities, interests, views on life, etc were all completely different. Then why the hell were we together for so long? For comfort? For love? What does love even mean? We believed in this fictional word called love and that this word could overcome all problems and obstacles. But boy was I naive. So after that I decided that there may be such thing called temporary love, but love doesn't last forever.

There are many things in the past few weeks that I haven't been very proud of. After the terrible thing that he did to me, I decided to declare war and was determined to win at all costs. My ultimate goal: to make his life miserable. I wanted to show him how happy I was without him and how much of a mistake it was for him to do what he did to me. I wanted to hurt him so badly that I sacrificed the feelings of innocent people, and in turn hurt myself the most. So today I decided to surrender; I surrender to myself. Perhaps I'm still not over him. Perhaps people don't truly move on until they've found another. However, all I know is that for now, I need to work on the most important relationship of them all: the relationship with myself. This is the last semester of my senior year and it's time to just focus on me. So today I've decided to let you go, to let us go; I'm letting go of a memory that was once special to me. I'll hold on to the good times, and learn from the bad. I'm moving on...

Where have our dreams gone?

Instead of studying for my accounting final, I am sitting in the cafeteria of my business school writing my first blog. I always wanted to be a blogger and I thought it would be begin when I studied abroad last semester, but I never got to it. So here I am about to pour my heart out to who-knows-will-read-my-blog. 


I don't know if you call this a quarter life crisis, but it sure is something. Up until now I have always been that confident girl who knows what she wants in life and goes for it. Recently, I've been doubting myself. Sometimes I feel like I gave up on my dreams because I'm scared of the unknown and stopped believing in myself. I ran into a friend walking into the cafeteria today and we talked about our plans after graduation in May. He saw me holding my intermediate accounting encyclopedia of a book in my hand and asked "are you doing the MAC program?" I replied "Yes, but I'm not sure if I want to do it." The next few words he told me were probably the best advice I've received in a while; he simply said "Then don't do it; you're too interesting to be an accountant." He told me his plans after graduation is to move to LA and pursue his dream: a career in acting. He told me that this is the prime time in our lives:we are 21, and this is the time before we have serious relationships, mortgages to pay, and heavy responsibilities, so why not go for our dreams. If we don't do it now, we will regret it in the future. The thing is, he is absolutely right. 


I admire what he's doing. He is actually doing what he wants to do. Then why can't be as brave and do what I want to do? Are people these days too scared to reach for their dreams because they bounded by the standards that society sets for us? Did we stop believing in ourselves because we feel that going to college, getting a degree, and working in the corporate world is our destiny in life? I know deep in my heart that being an accountant is not for me. Then why am I going through with it? For security reasons, for my family, for having a stable job and making money? Sometimes I feel like a puppet being controlled by society. I don't want to live like this. I'm Tiffany: spontaneous, quirky, confident, passionate, and a go-getter. Where has this girl disappeared to?


I've said this a lot to people recently: "sometimes I wish I could just buy a one-way ticket to somewhere else and just start my life there." Then reality hits me: where would I get the money for the plane ticket, for living expenses, for other expenses. In the end, does it come down to money? Do people give up their dreams because of materialistic boundaries? I think so because I am the prime example of it. The truth is, I don't know exactly what I want to do in the future. I feel more confused now than I did coming into college. One thing I do know is; I don't want to be another puppet in the corporate world climbing up the corporate ladder. Decisions, decisions...